The Journal So Far

05/28/2026 @ 4pm- When I woke up this morning the very first thing that I thought about was my wife, Cam. When I turned over and nuzzled myself further into her arms, she gleefully pulled me in and we lay like that for a while. Cam does my eyebrows for me before work ever since I accidentally took a little too much off the top the other day - which I think is a sign of a type of love that I've never experienced before them. As soon as the eyebrow mishap took place, there she was with eyebrow pencil in hand ready to remedy what I had done without even being asked. Unprompted, "I'll do this for you every morning before work, too, until they grow back, so you don't have to worry about it."

Are you joking me? To be seen, to be loved and cared for beyond a hint of reasonable doubt, it's this magical feeling that I've begged the universe for for as long as I can remember, and the universe finally brought me to Cam -- thank the goddesses. So, Cam did my eyebrows first thing, then I got "dressed" (in sweatpants and a tee shirt) and went to work (with an obvious stop at Dunkin' on the way). I'm at this point at work where I'm working unpredictably late nights and it's really burning me right to rims, but the pros outweigh the cons and the late nights are almost over, so I'm taking it in stride - really I just miss my wife... can you tell? Signing off with love and light <3



06/02/26 @ 12pm- It's the second day of pride month and I wish it felt more magical than it does, but unfortunately this year it feels more like a necessary battle rally than a celebration - though I know the intent for Pride is to embody both the fight and the celebration -- maybe the whole thing is more magical than I was originally giving credit for. I think I'm just burnt out, exhausted like everyone else in the world whose eyes are open to the atrocities happening around us every day. I'm really looking forward to the nice weather and sunshine coming up, and it also feels like something is going on with the planets right now - I don't know what but I'm telling you, something is shifting. It feels like fresh starts in the air outside. Xoxo, ttyl



06/08/26 @ 930am- Today is such a Monday. Yesterday I decided to quit nicotine once and for all, and so I threw my vape away and took out the trash making a big show of it to my wife (who is very pro me quitting nicotine so that we can live a long and happy life together). But here's the thing, is that as someone who comes from a long line of addicts, my ass was kicked by my white trash ancestral blood and I bought a pack of cigarettes this morning. It was almost too picture perfect walking into the gas station in my camo pants and Coors hat to buy a pack of my father's favorite cigarettes. Seventeen dollars for one cigarette, because what I did afterwards was get to work and immediately give my friend the pack and asked to never see it again. I didn't even want it - it didn't feel good or taste good - but the journey does not end there. One slip up in the first twenty four hours of quitting can almost be expected (though it shouldn't be) and does not mean that the quitting is done for. I wanna say thank the goddesses once again for my wife because without Cam this whole thing would be seriously impossible. Cam has taught me and showed me that it is worth it to live as long as possible and that a mistake does not rid the worth of living a long happy life, nor does it make me unforgivable. I am going to be okay, even if I don't get to look hot and cool smoking a cigarette while leaning up against a building - but my hot and cool wife thinks I look hotter and cooler not smoking cigarettes, so I'm about to be a real winner.



06/10/26 @ 1020am- It's a hot and humid day today, and this June has sort of been feeling to me the same way that I felt when I was a kid in school in June. Like I look out the windows at work and see the sunshine and the green grass and I wish I was out there running through a field of flowers. What's really so crazy though is that when I leave work and I go run through a field of flowers with my wife and our dog. We did that yesterday and it felt like being a free fairy child of nature again. Laughing, panting, smiling, short bursts and long pauses. I am so full of love and light and appreciation for this life. Fourteen year old me wouldn't have ever imagined this life for us at 26 but I'm so glad I get to give her it now. Peace and love and light and cosmically positive energy be with you.



06/26/26 @ 230pm- It's been a week since my paternal grandmother passed away from health complications. There is so much mess that comes with that sentence. Consider the fact that I haven't seen my grandmother since 2023, then consider the fact that I am a beautiful lesbian faerie in love with my even more beautiful lesbian faerie wife and that my father's side of the family has never thought very positively of any minority (which is honestly putting it incredibly too kindly) and now I am wrestling with seeing them all again- some for the first time in a decade- for the sake of my grandmother's services. Whatever happens in these next few weeks, they will not break down- not even chip- the life that I have built for myself away from them. And I feel sorry that it is that way, the guilt that I wish they felt for driving me to this point is wasted sitting in mine own chest for choosing myself over them. And maybe every part of what I'm saying here is incredibly selfish but even if it were I would only be following their lead. Do I even really feel that way though? It's so difficult not to feel like a wrong and wounded child when it comes to them. I am trying. I am trying to keep living and not go back to surviving ever again. What I will remember is this: I have already reconciled any grievances between my grandmother and I since her passing. We have spoken- me with words out loud to her and her with signs all around me- and I know that her and I are okay, we are understood and forgiven by each other and for each other. All weekend between the time that I found out about her passing and the time that I actually saw my family I spoke to her and worked out our differences. We are on level ground and I believe we were both truly doing our best. I love her. So really, whatever happens from here on out is okay because I will be okay. I think I really am content with the way that I am living this life and what I'm doing- which is learning every single day about the world, universe, myself, and our entanglement with each other. My grandmother wouldn't want it any other way, I'm sure. I thank her and you for listening to my ramblings and I thank the universe for showing me exactly what I need to see and know.



06/27/26 @ 955pm- I'm sitting and waiting for our chinese food delivery to show up while Cam sleeps off an incredibly busy day we had today. I'll be sure to ring her once our doorbell camera goes off showing that the food got here, and then we'll have a nice dinner together before we curl into bed like two cuddly cats with our dog and finally get some rest. There are a lot of fireworks going off and I can't really imagine why, considering the Pride festivities in our town were last night and the fourth of July has not dawned it's appearance quite yet. Pride last night was a lot of fun with my wife, Cam, and our friends / family, I truly couldn't ask for more supportive people to be around during such a difficult time in my life. Which is sort of a funny thing to say considering that I might actually be doing the best I've ever been - I just am still figuring out my feelings surrounding the family situation hovering over me like a cloud lately. So that's what I mean when I say difficult time in my life, cause it is still just a difficult little rough patch to keep pushing through. Some things for me to remember: thank the good goddesses for lesbian lovers, marijuana cigarettes, chinese food, a few good ass friends, green grass, sunny skies, rainy skies too, and everything up down and in between too. I really am a grateful ass bitch that I am just able to be breathing fucking air these days. The world around us is so on fire lately that I really do recognize my insane privilege in saying that previous sentence - but I do believe that is exactly why I have to say it. I need it to be known that love and light and a gratefulness to be breathing air can still be found out here. Sleep well, xoxo



07/02/26 @ 1005am- Finally back to work after quite a long hiatus (on and off hiatus, technically). Working where I work I got tomorrow and Monday off from work, too though so I'll have some time to hopefully start practicing yoga more regularly / mindfully. I realized when Cam and I were in Connecticut staying at our air bnb that was run by a yoga teacher that I think yoga is something I'd really like to get in the habit of practicing. I used to practice yoga here and there when I was in my late teens but it was more performative than anything to be honest. Going into it this time I want to really hone in on the spiritual part of yoga and how it can ground me, especially in relation to practicing any sort of craft that has connection to Mother Gaia, I feel like yoga could be really helpful in opening me up to that. In other news, I didn't end up making my grandmother's services due to the sheer anxiety the idea of going brought me. But I think that funerals and the like are far more for the living than the dead, and the people I wanted to be there for the most (my two aunts and my father and brother) were all aware that I was thinking of them and there for them in spirit if not in physical presence. At least that's what I hope anyway. And to top it all off I bought another pack of cigarettes this morning just to smoke one and toss the pack. Silly girl when will you learn? I ordered a pack of herbals after tossing the marbs and so hopefully the herbals will satiate me. I'm only human (for all intents and purposes) and so I will give myself as much grace as I'd give the next person. Love you, ttyl.



07/09/26 @ 10am- It's still the beginning of July, too hot and too sticky outside but too full of sunshine to not enjoy it at least a little bit. Especially when you work in an office like I do, the little breaks of sunshine in between the fluorescents beaming down on me are too good to pass up - even if it means coming back to work overheated. But I do keep thinking about how hot it is this summer, how it'll only get hotter every summer from here on out, how selfish the human race tends to be. Though I do really try not to get to nihilistic when thinking critically about the world around me, because I know that there is good. I have seen it, lived it, felt it, been it. It is understandably so difficult to keep any sort of positive outlook in this world we live in right now, but if not a positive outlook then what? Live in your misery? That is no way to live. Today I will push through the heat's reminder of mankind's selfishness and I will surround myself with community, love, and understanding. At least all of my people and I are doing our fucking best out here. Stay blessed.



07/10/26 @ 915am- This morning I am sitting on my back porch with my laptop and my cold brew in a mason jar made for me by my lesbian lover (my wife) while listening to Beyoncé's newest release. It feels a bit like remembering how to breathe after gulping in a bunch of water when you got pulled under by the current. The birds are singing to me, the sun is shining, and the temperature hasn't quite reached sweltering levels quite yet. Remembering I won't be back at work until Monday is also such a relief, I feel like I can slow down for a second. Once this morning blog is written, I'll take my yoga mat to the yard and do my ten minute stretches in the grass. Soon my roommate will wake up, and maybe we'll have a little ritualistic smoking of marijuana between my yoga and my cleaning the house. Life is more than good in this moment. Hoping you, wherever you're reading from, can take a big breath of fresh air with me for this moment. Breathing in, holding a moment, and right back out. Stay blessed, stay well, stay loved.



07/14/26 @ 930am- Feeling extra like a character in an early 2000s movie today. Like, if they made classic rom coms about lesbians the way they did about straight people. I wake up and my wife gives me a kiss on the top of my head while I push in closer to the crook of her neck. She gets out of bed and starts to get dressed while I lay, still where she left me, and watch admirably. Eventually we end up downstairs, feeding our animals together and exchanging kisses goodbye and "i love you"s and "have a good day"s until she's out the door and I'm on my way back upstairs to get ready. Throwing on a tee shirt, jorts, and sneakers before running out the door with a joint in my mouth for the ride. Stopping at dunkin on my way into work, landing at work and sitting down with my laptop to work on my blog while I listen to "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson. I wish somebody had told little me that this life could happen for me -- or was possible at all. I wish there were more movies about a loving every day lesbian relationship like ours, showcasing how beautiful that life can be. How fulfilling this life can be. What I can do now, though, is live this life to the fullest extent for the little me who didn't know it was possible, who tried to end this life before it even had a chance to get as good as it is now. It's only going to get better from here, like a fine wine. Signing off for now, xoxo



07/25/26 @ 245pm- It feels like it's been ages since I last wrote down (or typed out) my thoughts, even though it really was just last week. It's just that in this past week I feel as though I have lived a thousand lives, experienced a million ups and a million downs. And though that has been my human experience thus far just generally, I am really feeling it in my spirit and my body this weekend. I feel like I am so drained and need so badly to ground myself. I believe that's exactly why I've pulled out my laptop this afternoon and begun to type and put work into the blog because it always does center me to watch the words flow onto the page -- like I'm reading and realizing my own thoughts and feelings as they come. Deep breath in through the nose, holding that breath, deep exhale out of the mouth. Repeat until feeling better. Today's mantra will be; now is good, I am good, Gaia is good. Now is good, I am good, Gaia is good. Repeat until feeling better. I understand I am privileged, I know I will get through the funk, I know I am loved and accepted and seen and heard. I know that now is good. I know that I am good. I know that Gaia is good. Thank you for reading today's ramblings, I really did need to just clear what little thoughts were in this peanut brain of mine. Love you diva have a good day.



07/27/26 @ 1130am-

It's officially the start of a new week - and after not being at work since last Monday, I am ready to get back into the swing of routine. I was running a little behind on getting myself out the door this morning, but at least I look good and I got to stop for my coffee so I am content.

Trying to reconnect with my higher self this morning, as I feel as though last week I was all sorts of out of whack.

There is something very transitional, very enlightening, very eye opening going on right under my nose, I just haven't quite got my grasp on it yet. I am hoping soon I will be able to see clearly, though I know that will require effort and work which I am prepared for.

I have spent a lot of this year so far watering other people's gardens as much and as often as possible while allowing my wife to be the main (sole, really) person watering mine. Not any longer, as my flowers deserve my attention as well. Redirecting to make sure that this life I'm living is mine for me, which does not require neglecting others' gardens, it only means visiting - and not pretending that my growth is dependent on theirs. It is not.